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 From me to mummy and more
Article by Karen Bishop - Systemic Family Therapist
When I meet new mummies I very often hear them make a joke and say “Nobody asks me how I’m doing any more, everybody is more interested in the baby!”. Whilst new mothers are certainly proud of the attention their bundle of joy receives, in my clinical practice as a family therapist I often encounter women who feel like they are somewhat ‘lost’ as they readjust themselves to this life-changing experience.
Last month I met Brenda 31, who came to therapy whilst on maternity leave after having her first-born Isaac who is now 10 months old. During our initial interview Brenda’s eyes brimmed with tears as she told me how she feels she can’t ‘keep it together’ and that she’s not doing well enough looking after Isaac and keeping the household going. We discussed how during her pregnancy she envisaged a very different scenario to where she is at now. Brenda described a lurking sense of failure, and missed work a lot. She felt she could not really share these feelings with her husband Matthew, or with her immediate family for fear of them thinking that she was resenting Isaac whom she clearly loved and cherished.
Brenda’s story is similar to that of many new mothers. The experience of motherhood brings with it a profound psychological upheaval which is often underestimated, even when the baby is planned and welcomed. Most women experience a struggle between ‘putting baby first’ and their own desires and priorities, reporting the loss of a sense of personal autonomy. Very often women would be taking time off employment. So new mothers are moving from an area of their life where they probably have experienced a sense of competence and achievement to being a new mother, which might be frightening as they get to know this new being in their life and learn how to take care of him or her.
Women often feel a sense of fragility and vulnerability as existing relationships also seem to change. In a different way so do men. Men often speak about a new sense of responsibility as providers for the family. Many couples seem to neglect how starting a family impacts their intimate relationship, and often end up neglecting their sense of being a couple as well as new parents.
The majority of families manage to adjust to changes along the life-cycle and take their new life in their stride with joy. What is essential is taking the time to reflect and position ourselves as individuals, as partners, as parents as life takes us along.
Babiesmalta.com is organising two professionally led half-day workshops tackling these issues, one aimed at mothers, the other at couples who have had a child within the past two years and would like to meet up with other parents and share experiences within a supportive environment. Register your interest here.
Article written by Karen Bishop B.Psy(Hons), M.Sc(Lond), Systemic Family Therapist. Contact Karen by email.
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